We knew a grandmother once who hardly cared to be a part of her grandchildren’s lives. She had three sons and loved them all dearly.. Once her sons got married, well, naturally no daughter-in-law could replace her. Surprisingly, she wasn’t too harsh to her son’s wives. She learned to accept them and even care for them. There was only one condition: she was still to be a big part of her sons’ lives. And so she was.
Grandchildren weren’t as special. She wasn’t neglectful, per se, just over the idea of “raising” children again. Her time has come and gone for being a parent. Often, we’d hear the sons and their wives say that no one helped them raise their kids. They’d say, “she wasn’t a grandmother. She barely called or checked in. She was hardly available when we needed help the most. We were on our own.” In fact, grandma sold her home, got an RV, and moved away to live in her retirement years away from obligations.
Now, think about this. Was she wrong to do this? Was she awful to have not been more helpful for her sons and daughters-in-law in raising grandchildren? Was it her new role to be the parent for everyone? We see this happen to adults who have their own children young, like in their twenties. When we recall being in our twenties, we still felt like kids ourselves! We still called mom and dad for help and guidance. Add our own children to the mix and you have got a world of needs to fulfill. And you want mom and dad’s help, still.
Here’s the thing. Our grandparents were raised fast. Their childhood was quick and over. They had to grow up and become mini adults before the age of puberty. Getting married and having children may have happened even younger than we can imagine today. This means, when they raised you, they wanted you to have more of a childhood. You didn’t have to grow up too fast – nowhere near as fast as they did. But when you decided to move out and get married and have children of your own, that was it. You were officially an adult and being raised by your mom and dad was over.
To them, if you’re old enough to start a family of your own and care for your own house, then you shouldn’t be calling on for help every single day. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Most of us are still immature in our twenties so this is a harsh reality. However, it happens. Millennials, today, can rely on their parents a little more because their parents understand how that parental neglect while raising a family hurts them. Count yourself lucky for what you do have.
Still, was this old grandmother wrong to dust her hands off and move away to live as freely as she wished? Not at all. She earned it. Is it unfortunate that she didn’t tend to her legacy more so? Perhaps and perhaps not. If she was content in knowing the family and generations she helped create were alive and well, then there isn’t anything wrong or immoral about that. If you’re offended by it, maybe you need to ask yourself if you’re afraid to face the reality that you are an adult now and must tend to your own outcomes of your choices. Don’t worry, though. We understand that we want the support to come from our bloodline, but that’s not always the case. And we are sorry for that. But there are a lot of support groups who are willing to share the help needed to raise children.
Just because grandma prefers to free herself and enjoy her golden years, doesn’t mean you’re alone. Seek the help you need, because they are out there. And fall in love with the idea that the grandmother of your children is happy with how things turned out. One day you’d like to be in her shoes, too. Give her a break. She has earned this chapter in her life’s book.